There was a recent news story that did much to anger those who work with women who have been “date raped”. Helen Mirren, a British actress, who won awards last year for her portrayal of the Queen, did an interview with GQ in which she claimed to have been raped several times, many years ago, when she was a student. Helen is 63 years old now.
The reason some people have been upset with Helen, over that interview, is that she seemed to down play the experiences. She said there was no extreme violence, she was not hit…but rather, was locked in a room and made to have sex. She did not file charges in those incidents. She also said that if a man and a woman were about to get intimate and the woman changed her mind, and the man continued; that was indeed rape. However, in that circumstance; she didn’t feel that a woman could then turn around and take that man to court for it. Those are highly controversial remarks when taken individually or out of context. To some people…those comments smack of judgementalism…that those situations aren’t worthy of prosecution of a person who sexually assaults another. Those comments appear inflammatory to many folks.
Most people are clear that if a stranger attacks another person and forces sexual relations…then that is rape. It is true enough…it is. But there are other forms of rape as well that aren’t as clearly defined for some people.
If however, you apply Helen Mirren’s comments to the times, in which those assaults in her life took place; then, you need to understand the culture of that time as well. Helen is 63 now…go back to when she would have been in her late teens/early adulthood…and that puts the alledged assaults in the early to mid 60’s when, she would have been a student.
What was happening during those years…there was a little something called the “sexual revolution” taking place…not to mention a whole sub culture of drug use and transient behaviors. That revolution turned upside down what was acceptable and what was unacceptable behavior. Being held accountable by traditional guidelines of behavior for those involved in the subculture around the world…of drugs, sex, and rock & roll was not an easy thing to do. Many people functioned in a haze. Still, does that make rape…or “date rape” ok? No it does not, not by any stretch of the imagination…all i am saying is that it added to the mixed messages young people were living with at the time. Helen also goes on to say that she “loved” coke (cocaine) but gave it up. Was she implying that she was using drugs when these experiences happened? I don’t know.
There are cases of assault that even the victim questions whether it was rape or not because they may have been drugs or alcohol involved or the situation is unclear. Here are some great ways to evaluate the situation: http://www.4woman.gov/FAQ/sexualassault.htm
Filing police reports and following through with legal prosecution even when a person could identify his/her attacker has never been easy; because of fear of not being believed, fear of further abuse, fear of the stigma of having been raped, fear of being BLAMED for the attack. What we need to remember is that no, means no. We need to teach it to our young people as they grow up. We need to reinforce it in our relationships. We need to be clear about the messages that we transmit to people that we are in relationships with…friendships, acquaintances, romances, or just dating in general.
Our media is plastered with sexual images, sexual innuendo, and sexualized music, fashion, and even our family entertainment; whether it be television, magazines, beauty pagents or other forms. Our culture is sending messages to children that start sexualizing them from the very beginnings of life…and yet, we are not equipping them with emotional, behavioral or interpersonal skills to be sensitive to the nuances of changes in their relationships. We are sending mixed messages; that is to say, that everyone has a different hand book of rules for. Most of us cannot read another person’s mind…so the only sure way to know what they are thinking and feeling is to ask.
Now that school is starting back up…teenagers, pre-teens, elementary students as well as young adults in college need to know how to interact with one another…what is that other person’s body language saying? Does their body language match their words? Does it match their actions? Do they know how to communicate verbally with others in a way that can be clear, and upfront about defining the expectations in their relationship?
Know your son or daughter’s personality strengths and weaknesses. Teach them to respect the emotions and the decisions of others. Teach them not to bully or coerce others into doing what they want from a young age…you can even start with sharing toys. There have to be consequences for infractions from early on in life or they won’t understand that as they mature.
As our young people grow; we need to make them aware of sensitivity to the emotional ups and downs in relationships. Both young men and women need to be taught to communicate clearly their feelings; and, to respect those of others. They need to be watched closely in the early dating years for any changes that would indicate physical abuse, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse or coercion in their relationships with the opposite sex. Parents must be willing to step in and help to intervene in relationships that are unhealthy.
Each of us grows up with different family values and different levels of interactions in relationships with others. What someone might consider pushing or manipulating others; another person might mearly consider their behavior as just being assertive. Personalities play a huge part in how words or actions are interpeted.
If your son or daughter is meek and mild…they may or may not be pushed into a deeper relationship than they are ready for. Someone who is outspoken or direct may not realize that the other person is feeling cornered and without choices. This is where being sensitive to the needs and wants of others is important. It is never ok to make someone feel that their wants or needs do not count. When it comes to intimacy between people…they need to be of legal age of consent, they need to want the same level of intimacy as their partner, and, it is important to have verbal consent to the intimate relationship as well. Otherwise, the sexual intimacy could be considered as rape/date rape/acquaintance rape.
It is often said that those conversations are uncomfortable…and they are. So are conversations about safe sex, birth control, and pregnancy! Still, they are conversations that human beings must be comfortable in having with one another if they are going to begin a sexually intimate relationship with another person. Otherwise they are not ready to have a sexual relationship at all.
Mixed signals of communication; verbal communication, body language, and emotional interactions are what allows people to be confused when sexual interactions take place that one of the partners feels was against their will. That is when things go from having a relationship… to being raped, in a dating or acquaintance relationship.
How many news stories do we hear during the year of, he said/she said, in regards to a disputed sexual incident? Too often is the answer. We need to be more clear when in those situations. It doesn’t even matter whether the people involved are 18 or 81… clear communication has to take place to prevent unwanted sexual activity.
Now, when clear communication has taken place and sexual activity has been forced on a person…that is very clearly rape. The victim of sexual assault may or may not file charges…that is very definately, a personal choice. But, when and if, a victim reports the abuse…it has to be taken seriously. That is why; when we hear about false allegations on the news…it damages people who truly have been victimized. Each time a false claim is brought to the attention of the public…it creates a perception of doubt, anger and fear. That is not ok…we need to be supportive of the victim.
When a legitimate victim of rape is going through the “legal system” and or healing process…they are dealing with so much more than the trauma of the assault itself. They deal with their own perceptions of the attacker, the support systems in their own lives, and the public’s perceptions if the assault happens to make the evening news. It is a very difficult situation all the way around. Many victims of sexual assault just don’t want to deal with it. No one can tell them what to do…they have to make that decision; because, they are the ones who will be dealing with everything that goes along with the follow through process.
Rape is wrong whether it be stranger, acquaintance, or date rape. There is help available for those affected by rape. National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit out this site: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/help/rape.htm or even your local woman’s shelter for help.
Write where you are 
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