Cruel Twisted Bullies

       Maybe I am naive, I don’t think that I am…but, truly I try to think well of others unless they give me a rather royal reason not to.  Tonight , I am more than a little annoyed at a few teenagers.  I stopped off at the local library and was perusing the books in the upper level when i overheard a conversation between some teens and a female newcomer.  One of the two males told one of the females to go over to another young male teen who was quite some distance away from them up near the counter.

      The male told the pretty young female to go ask the less attractive, and clearly not a member of their particular cliche, whether he stole “Jake’s” skateboard.  Understand that this is winter here…and, the boy clearly challenged the young woman to go harass the other young man.  Which she promptly did with a malicious smile on her formerly pretty face.  You could hear the young man stand his ground and say No, he didn’t take it.  You could also hear his hurt and embarassment.  When the young woman came back she held out her hand, into which the teen male poured change; as the young woman said, see I told you I would do it!

          I do not know any of these teens.  I turned to go check out my books when i heard the teen boys tell a younger boy (possible sibling) to go ask him again if he took “Jake’s” skateboard.  The young man being harassed cried out…I said NO I didn’t take his skateboard.  The young sibling came back to the two other teen boys and said…what did you tell me to do that for; after he saw the two teens laughing hysterically.

           At this point, i fully realized that it wasn’t some longstanding issue with a missing skateboard in which the teens suspected the other young man of stealing.  It was clearly some cruel twisted bullies who were getting their jollies out of publically humiliating someone who they believed deserved to be treated that way.   This made me very upset.

            Not only did these two young teens use other people to do their dirty work, they subjected every person within hearing distance into being some kind of accomplices just because we overheard it; and, if we did not intervene then we were just as guilty as them; in my eyes.  They were clearly enjoying the misery of another human being; misery that they caused with their cruelty.

            I am not normally a person who likes to draw attention to myself in public situations…but my spirit would not be quiet.  I felt someone had to address what they were doing.  I told them that they were being very rude and that it was time to grow up.  They lowered their eyes and quickly seperated.  Did I do enough; will it change their behavior?  Probably not.  However, in my heart…if i had walked away and kept quiet about what they were doing…then, I would not have had peace in my heart. 

        Why do some people feel such need to hurt, humiliate and tear down another person?  Who are they to decide who is acceptable and who is not?  How sad is it that these young people felt perfectly safe and secure doing what they were doing without fear of being challenged? 

             Personal integrity is important…never forget that.  Never forget that coming to the aid of another person is a compassionate thing to do and there is not enough compassion in the world.  Pretend that compassion is an unending well (it truly is)…and dip into it often.    Peace and love from one person to another; God bless!

        

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You Have To Be Sure Someone’s Guilty

       Today news reports say that scientific data collected from the suspect in the murder of Arkansas anchorwoman Anne Pressly confirms the investigator’s belief that the suspect, Curtis Lavell Vance, is guilty of assaulting her and murdering her.  The DNA that they collected from Mr. Vance is also linked to another woman’s rape in April.  Investigators allegedly are 110% convinced that they have the right person in custody!  You have to be pretty sure of someone’s guilt to make that kind of statement.  The authorities must have plenty of evidence to make such a claim…the rest of us will have to wait for that information to be released during a trial of the suspect to have complete understanding.

         Anne’s parents have been speaking out during the six weeks since her murder.  Today, they said that there is evidence that she was also sexually assaulted.  They may want to be careful about what information that they put out for public consumption; they don’t want to give ammunition to the defense of the person who is finally brought to justice for the murder of their daughter.  

       After all, if they get a conviction they will not want it to be overturned on a technicality…they will want that person to pay for murdering their daughter.  Still, in all honesty, it must be extremely difficult to keep quiet when every fiber of their being is probably are calling out for the whole story to be heard and to get justice.  Their emotions as Anne’s parents must be terribly powerful; I know it must take tremendous courage to look upon his face and not want to get revenge.  I know they are Christians…however, their human emotions are subject to extreme ups and downs just like anyone else.   Peace to those who knew her and loved her; and, to the woman who was assaulted in April. 

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Want to be Happy?

      Want to be happy?  Live out loud, be who you are, conduct yourself with integrity, reach out to others, stand up to injustice, satisfy your soul, don’t allow yourself to continue to live with regrets or leave things undone; and, peace will be yours forever!  Words to live by.

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More Peace…Less Love…Ringo Starr

     While speaking peace and love, peace and love…Ringo Starr recorded a video, that was on CNN, demanding that no more fan letters be sent to him.  He says after October 20th…they will be thrown out.  He also says, no more sending things in, to be signed or autographed. 

       For a man who made a career out of the love of his fans…and their dedication to him and his band mates…you probably wonder what would prompt him to declare such a statement.  He says…he has too much to do!

       Myself…i would have to say…a person needs to consider what it must be like to live in a fishbowl your whole life.  Could be that maybe, just maybe Ringo has figured out that many of those “fans” who clamor for an autograph are just turning around and selling those same autographed items to ebay or to some collector so that they can earn a pretty penny!

         Another thing to think about is that Ringo Starr, born Richard Starkey, is 68 years old.  He says that he has too much to do…but, in the back of his mind you also have to wonder if he is looking back saying…I am 68 years old; most of my life is behind me.  I have given so much to my fans…maybe it is time to do what I want; with, what time i have left. 

        That isn’t too far fetched; as two of his band mates are already deceased.  There is only Ringo and Paul McCartney left alive of the Beatles.

        Also this week in the news, there was an article that i read somewhere that claimed that fan stalkers are the most dangerous of the mentally ill.  Consider this, both John Lennon and George Harrison were attacked by stalkers.  John was fatally shot and killed.  George Harrison was stabbed, but lived after the attack.

        While listening to the video that Ringo recorded regarding fan mail…i was put off by the tone of the video; it comes across as  hostile…but, once i stopped and thought about these other issues…it made more sense to me.  So…Peace and Love as Ringo says!  www.ringostarr.com

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Missing Myrtle

       Sad news…actress Eileen Herlie has passed away.  Eileen played Myrtle Fargate on the soap opera, All My Children for 30 years.  She passed away from pneumonia on Wednesday October 8th, 2008.  She will be missed.  The thing is…i remember when she came on the show…:) wow…is that dating myself since i just told you she was on the show for 30 years…but, for all you know, I could have been 3 when she came on…let me live in my delusion for just one little moment, LOL.

         In any case, when she first came on the show…she play a mischievous con woman with a twinkle in her eyes and a lilting smile on her lips.  She was involved with the “carney” as she called it…the close knit group of people who float from town- to- town when the carnivals come to make a living.  Over the years, the character Myrtle took on a different personna.  She became the favorite quirky aunt that the younger relatives loved and admired and went to for advice much to the consternation of the older generations.  The older relatives and friends just could not predict what would come out of her mouth…whether her advice to “Erica Kane”, played by the wonderful Susan Lucci, would be appropriate or encourage the young woman to greater misdeeds.

          In the last decade or so…Myrtle took the place of trusted advisor to Erica Kane.  Erica’s mother Mona had passed away…so Myrtle became the foil to the willful Erica; giving her advice that was spot on…but most of the time Erica knew this but did her own thing anyway.  She was loving and affectionate towards Myrtle which helped the viewer’s fall in love with the new role that Myrtle played with their favorite vixen, Erica.

         We will be missing the character Myrtle…but…because the woman behind her was such a wonderful actress…Eileen Herlie will be sadly missed as well.  That is a tribute that every actor/actress wants to hear…that they played the character so well…that in the eyes of the audience…they became that very same character.  So, we grieve the passing of  “auntie” Myrtle (Eileen); she was part of the family.  I know it was just a soap opera…but, it feels a little bit sad.   May you rest in the arms of God in peace!

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All You Can Eat-At The Salad Bar Of Pain And Abuse

       Have you ever known someone who is in a totally disfunctional relationship and just seems destined to repeat patterns of negative and destructive behaviors?  I was thinking on this last night with a young teenaged couple that i know.  They spend all of their time together…fighting…hurting…crying…begging…breaking up…for-giving….manipulating…emotional arm wrestling…isolating…and starting all over again.  They are on the phone…or in person…tuning everyone else out..until they self-destruct.  Then, the explosion, they want everyone to feel their pain.  When counseled…all they can think about is “fixing it” and getting back together.  They get back together all right…but nothing ever gets fixed.  It is an emotional war that definately takes prisoners.

        Then today, someone else that i care about deeply…has decided to once again go up for a heaping dose of all you can eat at the salad bar of pain and abuse.  Taking a little taste of negativity, nibbling on a chunk of guilt large enough to choke a horse, a dip of put downs and innuendo, a spoonful of diced self esteem, add a sprinkling of despair, a serving sized dollop of loneliness, add a slice of isolation, a bowl of anger, and lets not forget a huge serving of accusation.  Hey, you’ve already paid the price…there is no limitation on how much you can have…it is there if you only want more. 

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Are The Olympics In Beijing China Safe To Attend?

        With recent terrorist attacks on civilians in China; and, a video promising more of the same, up to and during the Olympics; you have to wonder…are the Olympics in Beijing, China safe to attend?  Will the threat of terrorist attacks weaken the support for the games?

         There have been attacks on buses and on a plastics factory, allegedly by the Turkistan Islamic Party…they have claimed to be responsible for the recent attack of the bus bombings.  They are promising to attack Chinese cities by “means that have never been employed” before.  With the whole world watching, the temptation to use violence and fear, to control large numbers of people who would go to support the Olympic games, appears to be irresistible.  The threats must be taken very seriously.

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Special Needs Banned From Church?

       Here is a story i could sink my teeth into since i am the parent of several special needs children.  A young boy, by the name of Adam Race, has been banned from the church that he has attended since 1996.  He has been banned because he is autistic, and is very large.   He has several behavioral challenges that the church is suggesting endangers other attendees.

        Adam’s priest by the name of Daniel Walz has filed a restraining order against the 13 year old’s parents; which the mother has violated.  Understand that Adam is only 13; however, he is six feet tall and weighs somewhere around 225 pounds.  The sheer size of the young man is definately something to consider. 

       The priest alledges that Adam has struck another child during services and that in his zeal to leave the building, has at times almost knocked over elderly parishioners.  Adam has also run out of the building and, started a couple of vehicles to hear the “calming roar of the engines”.  This is another danger concern.   Adam sometimes has a problem holding his urine; and, if he needs to be restrained during difficult behaviors, he fights it.  The mother and father, do at times, have to restrain him.  This can all be quite disruptive; and that, plus the concerns for safety, has led the priest to file the restraining order.  The priest felt they had no other choice.

        It seems that before that filing, the priest and a church trustee attempted to discuss their concerns with Adam’s parents.  They offered the family other options and accomodations to deal with the behavioral issues.  The family refused.  It hasn’t been revealed what those other accomodations were.  The family has defied the restraining order and continued to attend church with their son.  By the way, this is a family of seven.

       I have special needs children as i said before.  I have also been a foster parent to many special needs children who were behaviorally challenged.  I know the stress of that.  I know the need of sitting in church to receive peace and a strengthening of my faith.  I also, am well aware that most of the time…it is much more stressful trying to achieve that goal of peace and strength in a very public setting with others who have no idea of the daily struggles living and providing for special needs young people requires.

        You see, you need special training to deal with some of the behaviors and special requirements.  So you can’t just happily send a special needs child off to a sunday school classroom with people who are unprepared or untrained in those skills. 

        My husband and I have been teachers in several church settings.  We know what it is like to be the teachers or instructors in charge .  We have had to teach and sometimes handle special needs children or teens in that environment as well. 

          One time, we did have a young man who was also very large for his age and autistic.  It was a child that did not attend regularily, this program was a vaction bible school event.  The platform was a raised one.  All of the children were encouraged to stand in front of the platform during praise and worship.  Then, when that was done, they were encouraged to sit down in the rows of pews.  The young man in question, at one point, ran to the front while the puppets were performing.  My brother- in- law, who was a weight lifter, was operating a large puppet that included having his arm encased in a fur lined sleeve.

       The young man ran up on stage and grabbed my brother-in-laws arm and pulled it down over the front of the puppet stage and almost broke my brother-in-laws arm.  It took several people to disengage him.  It was something we were un-prepared for.  The parents had dropped him off during the services and left.  This was unusual…because the other days of that week, they had stayed with him and helped to keep him under control when he would get overly excited.  Communication is key in these situations.  Educate the workers or volunteers to the special skill sets that they will need to work with special needs youths successfully!

        Most of the time, having special needs children in church is workable.  You discuss with the family members or care givers what works for each child as an individual.   Maybe you can even get the parents to help volunteer in the children’s program to help out. You do your best so that the caregiver can get a couple of hours of peace and “down time” from the strains of 24/7 caregiving, if possible.   Raising awareness about those who live with special needs children and providing support is the goal of this website:  http://www.growingupspecial.com/ 

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It’s A Two-fer For Angelina And Brad

          In a publicity promo for her new movie…Angelina and her co-star Jack Black were sitting side by side when Jack let it slip out that Angelina is pregnant with twins.  Angelina confirmed this impromptu announcement. 

           Angelina and Brad have been under a close eye by the media about this pregnancy.  It was never formally announced; but, in a public appearance in January for the Screen Actor’s Guild she wore an outfit that caused speculation about her being pregnant.

         She has been hounded by media over time about pregnancies and suspected pregnancies…but as in most things…time reveals what is true.  It has been rumoured that she has been having a difficult or uncomfortable pregnancy.  Leave her in peace…pregnancy is often difficult…so, to those who set about making it more difficult for her…leave her be.  It is taxing to bring new life into the world; even more so when you are carrying twins.  That doesn’t even take into account caring for the rest of her children, doing her work as an ambassador and filming as well as promoting her films.

         In any case, this pregnancy is a two-fer for Angelina and Brad.  Since they both have confessed to wanting a large family; it should come as no surprise.  They have the money to care for all of their children.  They spend alot of time with their children and they certainly are wanted. If every parent gave the amount of love and attention their children needed; it would be a better world. Let’s hope that as a family they will be allowed to live in peace and love.

        

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Grieving is Different For Everyone

        Well, if you do any research at all on grieving you will find some very pat answers to describe what are considered “normal” stages of grieving.  There are actually “lists” and books of normal stages. 

         One of those lists is from a book called “Death and Dying”; i remember reading this in high school as part of a course on death and dying.  In the book the author, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, identified five different stages of grieving, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  Another book, written by Dr. Roberta Temes, called Living With An Empty Chair, identifies what she calls behaviors of grieving, she lists Numbness, Disorganization, and Reorganization.   Of course, there are other books that try to simplify the process to help us to understand it better; but, I think grief is much more complex than these lists imply.

        Grieving is different for everyone.  There is no ONE way, no one order of normal grieving that applys across the board for each and every person experiencing grief.  http://www.rainbows.org , http://www.dougy.org/, http://www.centerforloss.com/. 

        Whenever i see someone grieving, i think of grief almost as layers of an onion.  Each emotion is peeled away only to reveal another emotion or behaviorial response.  When all of the layers are peeled away to the final layer; there, deep inside is a green sprig that represents new life.  The goal is to get to that final layer and feel some sense of peace again.  http://www.journeyofhearts.org/.

           I think that people respond to their losses differently.  Even when a death is expected …emotions and behaviors are triggered that a survivor is not expecting to deal with.  This can be surprising to them; as they may feel that they thought they were prepared.  Facing a death that is traumatic or unexpected is devastating as well.  If the death is in the eye of the public, such as a public figure, or a death that is connected with a crime or tragedy, the grieving may be complicated because of the circumstances.   

          Those previous lists do hit on some emotions and behaviors that grievers experience; but, I feel that there are so many more layers and depths of grief that affect us. 

        Yes, there is shock, denial or disbelief, fear, anger, guilt, worry, busy work, distraction, forgetfulness, avoidance, risky behaviors, a sense of betrayal; second guessing oneself…what if i did this?  What if, i hadn’t done that?  …it is paralyzing to be stuck on that treadmill, when no answer is possible to satisfy the soul of the survivor. 

        For some people who are grieving, there is a sense of unforgiveness, alcohol abuse… sexual promiscuity… or drug use  to achieve numbness, depression, rage, wallowing in loss, hiding in the past, reliving those final moments and drowning in that experience; for some blame, hatred, litagation, revenge, loneliness, hurt, sadness, abandonment, and yes, hopefully acceptance.

         Finally, it should be a goal of the person who grieves to be able to acheive a healthy balance of their personal loss along with their memories of the deceased person.  In this area there can be found some comfort.  Wrapping yourself in positive memories, and positive activities is a very useful tool to move forward.  Setting a future goal to achieve, in memory of that person, can be helpful as well. 

          A person experiencing grief should not allow anyone to tell them to, just get over it…that it is time.  But, on the other hand, if some of your emotions or behaviors are damaging to you; or, other loved ones around you…you would be wise to listen to someone who truly cares and is concerned that maybe you are stuck in any one of those destructive emotions or behaviors. Try to listen if their concern has a genuine basis. 

        There is professional help if you feel you just aren’t on a healing path…but truly, only the person going through the grief knows what is going on inside of themselves.  It is important to give yourself permission to heal at your own pace.  Often, you will hear someone talk about closure…but…closure is an illusion; closure implies an ending to something. 

          Grieving never really ends because you are always experiencing some event or activity that triggers the thought that the deceased person is “missing” from that event or activity.   Closure doesn’t really happen…but, Healing Is Possible.

           There are some things that may help you to heal, in your time of loss, such as, connecting with others going through similar experiences, taking some time to meet your physical and emotional needs, take time off from work or school, finding comfort & support with friends or family who will listen to you and not judge you.   Don’t isolate yourself; find a support group, volunteer in your community, do something to honor the person you are grieving for, make a memory book, tape, video, or journal, take a vacation, seek spiritual guidance, or pray. 

         You know yourself best; and you know if you are not making progress in your journey from your loss…that is a time to seek help in your grieving.  If you are making progress…give yourself credit…and do something nice for yourself to mark the occasion.  Eventually, the good days start to out number the days when you feel lost and alone.  Ultimately time really does become an ally to those who struggle with the pain.

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